Monday, July 30, 2007

Couple Of Updates

Lots going on right now. A new human has joined the house. I recognize her from before. That means more people to pet me. Another bed to jump in during the night. Even some keep away games. Awesome.

Then, tonight the humans cooked and ate outside. Didn't get as much attention as I had hoped. I even scanned around the bottom of the cooking machine. Sometimes you can find some grease or something else to lick up.

But not tonight. Nil. Zip. Nada.

Anyway - here's an update on the hole. I've decided to expand it a bit. I've almost doubled the size of it.

Then, a couple of days ago, I had a great idea. I put my stuffed lamb in the middle of it and left it there for no apparent reason.

Well, the alpha male human is going crazy trying to figure out why I did it. He says it's because the hole is the one thing in the house that is mine... I "own" it, so he believes I put the lamb in the hole to fill the void. He says that signifies my "empty" life and my attempt to give it meaning.

I think he's high.

Dude, it's not like I have the capacity to affect my psyche that deeply. Remember, I think the red laser pointer is an actual bug.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

It's Good To Dream.

I often think about how cool it would be to be a human. To have hands where I could pick up stuff without having to use my mouth. To be able to use the phone... that would be awesome.

But maybe the best thing about being a human is that they get to drive.

Want a steak? No problem. Let's drive.

Want a chew toy? Hop in. Let's go.

And those bastard dogs across the street would be SO pissed. Ha, ha, ha. That would be great.

Oh well. I'm just a dog.

At least I can lick my wiener.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Once Again, You've Got It All Wrong.

I thought you humans were supposed to be smart. If so, then explain something to me.

Why is it you're always SO entertained when I sit under the table, relentlessly hoping for some small scraps or crumbs? Why? Do you think that is cute, too?

"My, oh my! Look at what a cute little beggar you are!" you'll say, giddily, before turning back to your delicious, juicy plate covered in meat and gravy.

Are you kidding me?

You see what I eat every day. It's a brown, rock-hard, grain-like substance. Mmmm. Doesn't the mere sound of it make you hungry? How would YOU like to eat Cheerios and water, everyday... day in, day out... for the rest of your life?

Yeah. I didn't think so.

So, the next time you see me down there, looking up, with big sad eyes... remember, I AM NOT LOOKING THAT WAY TO BE CUTE. I AM LOOKING PATHETIC TO EVOKE PITY.

C'mon. Hook me up, people.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sayin' "Hey" To The Neighbors

See that?

That's the gate. It's one of the things I check every day to see if it's open.

A couple of weeks ago, it was open and I got out. It was AWESOME. I ran over and barked at the dogs across the street. They're always talking shit to me, and I'm like "Whatever! There's three of you and one of me and I don't even have balls and I'm better than you!"

They have no idea what they're dealing with.

Anyway, eventually the female human who lives next door lured me into a trap by offering me a treat. Then she grabbed my collar and took me back to my house.

The humans found out and didn't even punish me.

I'm currently looking for additional escape opportunities. I'll keep you all informed.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Ask Pancho - Episode One

I just realized that I had it set where only registered users could comment on this blog. Sorry about that. I'm just a dog. I didn't realize I was limiting the responses. I would definitely like to hear from some of my readers.

In the spirit of that, I'd like to start something new. A "feature," if you will.

I encourage you, if you have a question for a dog like me, to click on the "comments" button below and ask it. I'll do my best to give you an answer.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

An Open Letter To My Humans

Let me tell you what is NOT cute.

It's not cute when I excitedly run toward you on the hardwood floors and, because of my extra-long, badass mutt dog nails, slide around uncontrollably. It's embarrassing. Yet you persist in laughing as though it was something I intended? What? You find my awkward fumblings somehow entertaining?

Got news for you. All houses are built by humans, for humans... with stuff like wood and tile. Maybe, just maybe, if you people would have a dirt floor, or grass, or just stick to carpeting - I wouldn't look like Scooby Doo running across the frozen lake to escape an old man wearing a monster costume!

Christ, people! Give me my dignity!

For the record, "cute" is when I get my toy duck (or quail, or whatever-the-hell it is) and bring it to you, squeezing it repeatedly so that it makes that quacking noise over and over, getting louder and louder as I approach the room you're in.

I came up with that shit. I didn't do it "by accident." And I defy you to experience it in person and NOT respond by petting me. You simply can't do it. Trust me.

Uh, Yeah. Thanks But No Thanks.

These things suck.

Sure, I'll eat 'em. But I've been known to eat my own shit.

The problem is, "Pup-peronies" are like tiny little Slim Jims. They last about a second.

And what a gay name. What am I, a fuckin poodle?

If you want to give me a real treat (but there's no steak handy) give me something that makes me feel like an Alpha Male. Give me a pigs ear... or a rawhide bone... hell, throw a crippled possum in the yard.

Now, THAT would be a treat.

(remind me to tell you sometime about the possums I found... and what my human did to them)

That's Not Even Real.

So I saw this the other day. I guess it's kinda funny. But I don't really think it's cool to torture cats.

I would like to eat them, however.

Let Them Eat Steak.

On the scale of things that are great, I'd have to say steak is at the top of the list.

Seriously. Nothing really makes you feel like an Alpha Male compared to when you're out in the yard, chewing on the bone of a ribeye.

So last night, my humans gave me one. I just went outside with it and hung out. The neighbor dogs couldn't stop barking. I'm sure they smelled it. Ha, ha, ha. Bastards.

As I gnawed on that little piece of heaven, I thought how cool it would be if I ran with a pack, and we, like, killed our own prey for food. That's the kind of shit you think about when you eat steak.

But then I wouldn't get any cheese. And cheese is almost as good as steak.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I'm Kinda Proud Of It

So I've been working on this new hole ever since I got here. There's a picture of it.

The humans got all pissed off when they saw it. But I totally have that shit covered. As soon as I hear them say my name (when they're standing by the hole), I just book it inside. No pro-blame-oh.

It's a cool hole, don't you think?

I haven't buried anything in it. Hell no. It's too close to the door. I mean, EVERYONE can see it. If I buried something in there, it'd take, like, two seconds for someone to find it.

And it's not a "laying-down-inside-of" hole either. The house has AC, thank you very much.

I think I started it because I heard a bug or something. Then, I just kinda got obsessed with making it bigger. Now... well, I just think it's kinda cool to look at it and say "I dug that hole and it's awesome."

Sup' Dogs?

Welcome to my homepage, or blog, if that's what you want to call it.

You may be wondering "Why would a dog have a blog?" (Hey that rhymes!)

Well, the truth is, I don't do much, really. My day usually involves a lot of laying around, looking at shit or licking myself.

Anyway, I thought I'd occasionally jot down the stuff that's on my mind.

If you want to comment, that's cool. But don't be a dick. I'm just a dog.