Wednesday, November 28, 2007

An Appology.

Hey folks. Man, did I mess up.

A while back I posted an invitation to my readers to email me with any questions they might have. I was disappointed to find that no one wrote me.

Then, I found out that I was checking my email wrong. What do you expect? I'm a dog.

Well, today I checked my mail, in earnest, and found several messages.

The first was from a reader who also happens to be an AMAZING artist. I thought I'd post a link to her site here. If you've a mind to get a portrait of your beloved pet, she'd be the one to contact.

Another email was a question from a reader:


As a member of the animal kingdom, and the only one I know who can talk, I'd like to get your opinion on a matter.

What would be more apt to attack a pair of humans: lions or hyenas?

I'll check your blog for your response.

Well, my friend, thankfully, I've never had a run-in with either.

I know that hyenas come from the mongoose family. So they're probably tenacious as shit. Meaning... they would be relentless and keep coming at you again and again.

Lions, on the other hand, are... well, they're LIONS. I consider myself to be quite a badass, but I don't even think I'd fuck with a lion.

But, if you're ever on the Serenghetti, walking naked across the plain, and a opossum or a squirrel comes at you... they better pray I'm not walking with you.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Don't Even Think About Taking This Away From Me.

Today is the greatest day of my life. Well, being a dog, I can only remember back about 15 minutes... so, I think this is the greatest.

For Thanksgiving, my human decided to go to the butcher shop and get me a bone. Not a rawhide "pretend" bone. And not a manufactured "dog treat" of any kind. This was a real, honest-to-goodness bone from the inside of a dead animal. It was huge and covered in raw, bloody meat.

Holy fucking mother of christ.

Okay, I have no balls, but I've got to think this is kinda what an orgasm must feel like.

He handed it to me and I immediately dropped my pussy plush toy and took the bone outside. Once I found a good spot, I planted my ass down and didn't move for what seemed like forever. It tasted great. It tasted like death. As I gnawed my way to sweet bliss, I imagined myself leading a pack of other mutt dogs in a hunt. Upon downing our prey, I quickly take my place tearing open the throat and getting all the good parts for myself.

After a while (over three hours), I snapped out of it and decided to go inside and tell all the humans how awesome my day was going.

I ran in with more excitement than I had ever displayed (again, short memory - so I could be wrong). I happily greeted everyone and told them what an incredible experience I was having... then quickly went back outside to gnaw some more.

I'm certainly not a religious dog, but if there is a god, he smiled on me today.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Damn, I'm Good Lookin'.

I'm not usually too vain. But I must say this recent picture of me is quite fetching. I think it shows me in all my 100% All-American mutt-dog glory. Almost regal, don't you think?

Take that you pure-breed pussies.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Eww. Eww. Eww.

Found this out there on the internet the other day. It is, apparently, an album for... not just dogs... but "gay" dogs.

Couple of questions.

1) Have you ever (truthfully) heard of a "gay" dog?

and 2) What the hell is this Paddy Roberts dude doing in that chair with the bulldog? Why is he hiding behind the chair back?

Okay, that's just creeping me out.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Got Something To Say To Me?

Well, dear readers, I suppose you've noticed a big slow down in the number of posts lately. There are a couple of reasons for that.

(1) As I've pointed out countless times, I'm a dog. So, while my wisdom may be vast, my existence is, none-the-less, pretty limited, giving me only so many things to write about.

And (2), it concerns me that I might not actually have as many readers as I once thought... leaving me less than motivated to go to the trouble of posting.

So, here's the deal... if you'd like me to answer a question, offer advice, or simply wish to make a suggestion for future posts, I'll place my email below for your convenience. If I get some feedback that's worth sharing, or if I can offer some advice worth posting, I will.

Reach me at:

Monday, November 5, 2007

Hail To The Mutt.

Recently, Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert attempted to run for President in his native state of South Carolina, but the Democrats wouldn't let him join their little party. Of course, if you don't know who Colbert is... what?! You don't? Wow, I didn't know they offered internet access to people who live under rocks.

Anyway, I'm frequently mistaken for the famed T.V. host and political pundit... after all, we both provide biting commentary on societal events; we both project a mastery of the English language; and we both have slightly disfigured right ears.

I've never considered running for public office. Being a dog, that would be kinda weird. But perhaps I should. I could run for President and be the candidate of the people. I'd hammer the other guy for being all upper-crust and snobby.

"He may have gone to Harvard, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm proud to be an all-American mutt dog... emphasis on the word 'American.' Why, I bet my opponent considers himself 'too good' to even lick his own ass!!"

If I did get elected, I'd have to add a couple of new cabinet positions. Secretary of Petting (man, that guy is going to get tired); Secretary of Dropping Scraps on the Floor; and Secretary of taking the President for a daily kickass walk.

Press conferences would be weird, too.


Sunday, November 4, 2007

Hello Again, Dear Readers.

It's been a long time since I've posted. I've been busy diggin holes and shit.

Anyway, today the humans took me to the park down by the river. There were lots of other dogs there. I'd see one and try to head towards him but they wouldn't have it. Sometimes I hate that goddamn leash.

In particular, there were two young pitbulls romping and playing together (I can't believe I just used the word "romping") and I wanted to get in their ass so bad. Two pure-breeds versus one all-American mutt dog. Sounds fair to me. But, alas, the humans dragged me away.

All-in-all, it was a nice afternoon, though. I pissed on everything. I'm pretty sure I covered up all those other dogs' markings. And also probably the markings of some homeless people too.