Hail To The Mutt.

Recently, Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert attempted to run for President in his native state of South Carolina, but the Democrats wouldn't let him join their little party. Of course, if you don't know who Colbert is... what?! You don't? Wow, I didn't know they offered internet access to people who live under rocks.

Anyway, I'm frequently mistaken for the famed T.V. host and political pundit... after all, we both provide biting commentary on societal events; we both project a mastery of the English language; and we both have slightly disfigured right ears.

I've never considered running for public office. Being a dog, that would be kinda weird. But perhaps I should. I could run for President and be the candidate of the people. I'd hammer the other guy for being all upper-crust and snobby.

"He may have gone to Harvard, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm proud to be an all-American mutt dog... emphasis on the word 'American.' Why, I bet my opponent considers himself 'too good' to even lick his own ass!!"

If I did get elected, I'd have to add a couple of new cabinet positions. Secretary of Petting (man, that guy is going to get tired); Secretary of Dropping Scraps on the Floor; and Secretary of taking the President for a daily kickass walk.

Press conferences would be weird, too.

"NO, I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER... I HAVE NO BALLS!!"