Monday, December 15, 2008

A Little Update From The New Crib.

So its been a couple of weeks since me and my human moved back in to our own place together. Thought I'd give ya'll an update.


It's been "interesting" let's say.

First of all, he's constantly going from one room to the next. I know he's unpacking, but c'mon. The couches are in... the other stuff can wait. Time to pet me.

No, all he does is give me a little token rub on the head. Then says some shit like "You're such a good boy Pancho!"

Whatever, dude. I'm here. Just pet me.

Then, yesterday, I noticed the heartworm medicine on the counter.

(Just so you know, the drug companies make heartworm medicine "easy to feed to your dog" by, essentially, creating the most awesomely delicious, dead-raw-meat-like treat - then lacing it with their heartworm medicine. Yea THEM!!!)

Anyway, my human thinks I'm excited to see HIM, not the treat. He starts petting me like crazy, because he doesn't get it. He starts reaching for the counter and I can't contain myself. He grabs that disgusting flea-medicine-goop... which sucks, by the way. But still very worth it to get the treat. I'm all, like... "Dude, that's cool. Don't really want the goop on my back, but I'll take it if you hurry will you just hurry please come on hurry."

Then, bliss.

I don't know what they put in those treats, but I think it might be dog heroin. Because I'd kill a guy to get another one right now.

Man, I gotta go lay down.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Put That One In The Morgue.

I'm not embarrassed to say that there are some things I'm extremely good at. I'm not bragging, mind you. It is just simply a fact.

Take tearing the shit out of stuffed animals, for example. I am really, really good at that.

Whereas some dogs might attack violently, swinging their prey back and forth, and running around like an idiot - instead, I prefer to methodically remove all its vital functions - leaving it, frankly, without a reason to live anyway.

Eyes, ears, noses. Gone. And the final blow? Rip out their spine.

Once completed, I take the carcass to my human, drop it at his feet, and look at him proudly.

I am a killer. And I like what I do.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Variety Is The Spice Of Life.

They say dogs like routine.

Me, not so much. I like to mix it up a bit. When it comes to my nap time, for example, sometimes, I'll just get up, turn around, and try it out the other direction.

What the hell. That's just the way I roll.