Speaking Dog, Lesson One.

I hate to come back from my break and write another "sign" blog. But this is bugging me.

So, does the Humane Society for Seattle/King County have some sort of dog-to-human translation device? If they actually knew what "Grrr, bark, woof, Good dog" meant, they probably wouldn't have put it on a sign. It makes no sense. If you're going to say "Attention Dogs" then, by god, know what it means before you tell me to read it.

They obviously think it means "do something to remind your human to pick up your shit after you take a dump"

But then take a look at THIS sign. Whoever put this one together thinks it means "stay off the nature trails."

They're both wrong. Just in case you choose to speak to dogs on a sign, here's what those "words" actually mean.

Grrr means: "Back off or I'll put my teeth into you."

Bark means: "Wait! I think I heard something unimportant that is going to consume my thoughts and hunting instincts for the next 20 minutes."

Woof means: "Hey you dogs across the street... do you hear me? I'm in my back yard. I've just finished peeing on everything. I hope you smell it and remember that this spot over here is mine. Just saying 'woof' to remind you of my All-American mutt-dog presence. Haha. Shut up. I'm going in the house now."

Good Dog means: "My human must be happy with whatever I just did... wait, what did I just do? Crap. I can't remember. Goddamn it I wish I wasn't a dog!"