Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Dogs I Will Not Ever Attack.

By now, if you've read my posts, you know that I don't really like other dogs. It's not really my fault. Let's just say I have baggage. And since dog psychiatry is bullshit, I'll probably spend the rest of my days hating any canine that crosses my path.

But there are some dogs that I like. Cartoon dogs. Cartoon dogs will never steal my food, piss on my spots or become the objects of my humans' affections.

Yes, I like cartoon dogs. In fact, I have favorites. Here now is a list of my top five cartoon dogs.

Astro - I'm not sure what breed he's supposed to be. Probably some hybrid they come up with in the future... designed to be especially large and stupid. I mean, c'mon... running on a treadmill? What dog does that? Come to think of it, why is he on this list? He talks. I don't trust dogs who talk. (like Scooby Doo or that damn golden retriever from the Bush beans commercials)

Sparky - Leave it to South Park to give us a cartoon dog that is gay. That's right. Gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... er... wait a minute. What am I saying? Of course there's something wrong with that! A gay dog? That gives a whole new meaning to phrase "a dog and his bone."

Muttley - A long time ago, before I was born, there was a show called "The Wacky Races." One of the human characters had a dog named Muttley. Muttley is one of my heroes. He caused problems for everyone, then laughed uncontrollably at others' misfortune. I wish I could do that. Laugh, I mean.

Wile E. Coyote - Okay, so he's not a dog... really. But a coyote is kinda like a dog, right? There might be a slight difference but I'm sure most people couldn't tell the difference in our DNA strands. Wile is great because, like most great dogs, he never gives up. I also think it's cool how he orders blueprints and shit from the ACME corporation and somehow uses tools to put it all together. One time, I actually saw him put a fan, a skateboard, and a sail together to create a flying machine. I'm a smart dog, but I could never, ever do that.

Santa's Little Helper - He's supposedly a greyhound that Homer adopted from the dog track. I like him because, rather than looking like a greyhound, he kinda looks like me. I like SLH particularly because of one episode. After running away, SLH becomes part of the group of guard dogs at Mr. Burns' mansion. I like how badass he proves himself to be against the Rottweilers and other stereotypically aggressive breeds. Yet at the end, when he's just about ready to attack, he recognizes Bart and embraces him with complete affection. That, my friends, is what being a dog is all about.

Now, I know that many of you probably think that I'm out of my mind to NOT include Scooby Doo on this list. But I must be honest. I hate that damn dog. First of all, I don't like Great Danes. Secondly, he always acts like a retard. Not good for the species. Makes us all look bad. And what the hell is a Scooby snack? They never tell us, do they?

I'll bet it's cat feces.

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