The Shittiest Post I've Ever Written.

My human was gone a long time today. I hate it when that happens.

Other than that, I got nothin.

Here's a picture of me curled up like a croissant. Haha. Bye.

Can Dogs Two-Step?

Bad news folks. My human found out they're building a dance hall in our new town. He went out and met the owners. Then, he comes back and starts playing music again. I guess he's got the bug.

I've always enjoyed it when he plays the guitar. I usually like to hang out nearby when he's practicing. But yesterday, he pulled out his harmonicas.

YIKES. Those things sound like he's squeezing a cat by the neck (which would be pretty cool, if he was actually squeezing a cat by the neck). But come on. That shit is painful to a dog's ears, man.

And the worst part is... if he starts playing music with other people, that means he'll be leaving me alone more often.

Not good.

But at least I wont have to listen to that damn harmonica.

Sorry to keep going on about this.

Tonight was awesome. Maybe more awesome than two Thanksgivings back when my human bought me a huge bone with raw meat all over it.

I began at my usual evening post, viewing the deer from the Eagles Nest. Then, I saw about 30 deer out in the flood plane. I freaked. Barked like never before.

My human, wondering why I was so worked up, walked out to my perch and saw a single deer to the north. He loves me so much, he said "what the hell" and unlocked my gate and followed me down. Guess he thought I'd chase a bit and be done.

He did not realize that there were 30 deer to the south... at about 75 yards away. Oh, but I saw them. I took off like a light. It was at this moment when I was able to put my new, leaner, meaner body to use. I was like a bullet. Stickers be damned. Rocks be damned. My laser was on them and I meant to catch one. Swear to god people... I've never run so fast in my life. (My human tried to get his camera and shoot a movie of me... but he didn't even get the chance to reach for it by the time I was long gone.

Anyway, I went full throttle for 400 yards and didn't catch one. Those fuckers are FAST.

It really is one of the real joys for a dog. Freedom. Prey. And the means to put some hurt on them if I ever do catch one.

Oh well, I gotta go to sleep. I'm beat.

Tonight, I shall sleep with a smile.

It's Called Coprophagy. And it's delicious!

Thank you Mr. Deer, and all the rest of your kind. I sincerely appreciate the delectable treats you leave in such abundance. It's like I have hundreds of Easter bunnies leaving me candy eggs every day.

I will assume that my nightly patrols and fearsome barks are scaring the shit out of you.

Valentine's Day.

Don't know why my human is being such a downer. At least he took me for a walk. I got to chase some deer. And you know what?

I LOVE that shit!

A Pancho Haiku

The winter sun shines

Its warmth is a welcome sight

I fucking hate squirrels

I'm versatile. Gotta give me that.

Great athletes will surprise you. I'll bet Tiger Woods could kick your ass at golf playing with just his left hand.

And I, not being good at golf, can still mix it up when it comes to sleeping. Because... that's what I'm really good at.

Yup. Flat on my back. Back legs straight in the air.

Beat that, Mr. Woods.

Yes I'll do it... hypothetically.

My human decided he was going to teach me how to jump in the back of his truck today.

I use the word "teach" rather loosely. It's not like he showed me how or anything. No. He just got up in the back of the truck and said "Come on, Pancho"

Wow. Don't give up your day job, dude. Oh. I forgot you don't have one.

Anyway. Eventually, I did it.

Not sure why he wanted me in there, though. Maybe he's sick of all my hair in his truck. Maybe he thinks he'll drive down the road and the wind will blow some of that shit off me.

Well, if he tries to get me to give up my spot in the front, I'll pee on him when he sleeps. Swear to god I will.

It requires aim to hunt well.

I got sidetracked from my deer quest yesterday. It seems there are a couple of big black labs on the prowl. Went on a serious pissing spree. Man, they marked ALL my spots.

But I've got a tremendous nose. I think I found them all. And when I find a spot. I never miss my mark.

Have a good day, gentlemen. That is all.

Dog House. Bird's Nest. Whatever.

Well, that our new place, folks.

Notice anything? Notice how I'm NOT in my human's lap? (See this post if you need to remember)

Yeah, dude. It sucks. He had to leave the awesome chair and ottoman on the curb when we moved. Now I'm stuck on the floor. Sometimes, I just say fuck it and go to bed.

I do like the rug. I peed on it once. I figure that kinda makes it mine.

That's the way I roll.

Aren't all dogs compulsive?

You'll notice my photo in this post is a lot like the shot in the previous one. That's because I am starting to build a routine here in the crows nest. From my perch high above the flood plane, I sit every evening from about 4pm till well after dark.

And tonight, were it not for that goddamn gate, I'd have hit paydirt.

The usual hoards of deer went by... and then, quietly, from seemingly out of nowhere, a full-grown axis deer hobbled by - on what appeared to be a bad leg. Ever so slowly he hopped right before me. The jingle of my tags made him turn and look at me (with fear), but he could barely move.

My human keeps telling me that I should not look... "why torture yourself?" he says.

If I could speak, I'd tell him the same thing about old photos.

Planning, Day Two.

In my place, perched high in the trees, I have a great vantage point with which to view my new nemesis... deer.

You'll notice, however, that my human's father put a gate on the steps. I suppose it's better than being locked behind the glass door. At least now, as I stare into the eyes of my prey, learning how they think, I'll also be able to smell their fear.

The day was mine. And they don't even know it.

What I Did Today.

I am on my third quail. It is my favorite toy. Well, not a toy really. More like a companion... that you carry around in your mouth.

Anyway...

I'd love to update you on my wonderful adventure today... but I didn't have one. My human left and I was hanging out with his dad. The deer, of course, taunted me, and I ran off. But he called me back and summarily locked me up till my human came home.

So today was all about recon. I perched on the deck and began developing my strategy to catch them.

I wish I had a pack to help me with this. I suspect my quest will be difficult.

Stay tuned. I will taste their blood before the fall. Count on it.

I'm Becoming A River Dog.

Today, my human and I went exploring. You'll notice I didn't say "my human took me on a walk."

Because our "walks" now are very different.

Nope. We walked down to the river, then wove our way through the flood plain. I saw deer. I wanted to chase them bad... but my human yelled at me, so I stopped. It was a great day.

But I can't help it. I want to catch one of them SO bad. All evening, I watched them from my balcony. Every time, I'd mosey down the stairs, my human would follow behind and holler at me to come back up.

Well, eventually, he got into a phone conversation and I made my move. Sure it was dark, but I was jonesing to get one bad! And they're everywhere here. OH, and they bark! HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO CATCH ONE?!?!

Spent almost an hour out there until he and his dad found me.

Kinda on "lock-down" now. But it was worth it.

Life In The Canyon.

Hey folks. Sorry no picture with this post. Just a quick update.

I have moved, with my human, to a place out in the country. It's awesome, but I am exhausted. Seriously. I've always lived in homes with fenced yards. And now, my human lets me just run around and explore. Sometimes, I even slip away when he's not looking. He screams loud, so I haven't had a hard time finding my way back.

The other day, I found a dead deer. It smelled like shit. It was awesome.

I'll post some pictures soon. Having some computer issues right now.

Oh. I haven't seen any squirrels yet. I guess my reputation precedes me.

I Can Barely Contain Myself.

My human tells me we're moving again. Holy shit. This is getting ridiculous.

On the bright side, here's the story I'm getting. Apparently we're moving WAY out in the country somewhere. He keeps talking to me about not chasing deer and other wild animals. He says I'm going to love it... that we'll be able to go on lots of walks, that there will be plenty of squirrels to hunt (which, for some reason, he thinks is ok... just not deer and snakes), and he also says he's going to let me do some running. That sounds very cool.

Whatever the case, we're going. Soon, I think.

Just thought I'd let my readers know. I'll fill you in a bit more later.

Night.

Dog Heaven

I sleep a lot. Whatever. Sue me. I'm a dog. That's what we do.

Certainly there are a lot of places that are good to sleep. Throughout the day, I use them all. I'll lay on the couch for a while, then get up, get a drink - then, perhaps I'll try a little nap by the window. It's all good, really.

But there is one spot that I never, ever, ever move from by my own choosing. When my human is watching a movie, or visiting with friends, or for any reason finds himself in the chair with the ottoman in front of it, I am there.

There is something extremely comforting and awesome about knowing someone loves you. And if that someone is stroking your head for, like, 2 hours... well, would you move?

Hell no you wouldn't. And neither will I.

A Little Update From The New Crib.

So its been a couple of weeks since me and my human moved back in to our own place together. Thought I'd give ya'll an update.

Well.

It's been "interesting" let's say.

First of all, he's constantly going from one room to the next. I know he's unpacking, but c'mon. The couches are in... the other stuff can wait. Time to pet me.

No, all he does is give me a little token rub on the head. Then says some shit like "You're such a good boy Pancho!"

Whatever, dude. I'm here. Just pet me.

Then, yesterday, I noticed the heartworm medicine on the counter.

(Just so you know, the drug companies make heartworm medicine "easy to feed to your dog" by, essentially, creating the most awesomely delicious, dead-raw-meat-like treat - then lacing it with their heartworm medicine. Yea THEM!!!)

Anyway, my human thinks I'm excited to see HIM, not the treat. He starts petting me like crazy, because he doesn't get it. He starts reaching for the counter and I can't contain myself. He grabs that disgusting flea-medicine-goop... which sucks, by the way. But still very worth it to get the treat. I'm all, like... "Dude, that's cool. Don't really want the goop on my back, but I'll take it if you hurry will you just hurry please come on hurry."

Then, bliss.

I don't know what they put in those treats, but I think it might be dog heroin. Because I'd kill a guy to get another one right now.

Man, I gotta go lay down.

Later.

Put That One In The Morgue.

I'm not embarrassed to say that there are some things I'm extremely good at. I'm not bragging, mind you. It is just simply a fact.

Take tearing the shit out of stuffed animals, for example. I am really, really good at that.

Whereas some dogs might attack violently, swinging their prey back and forth, and running around like an idiot - instead, I prefer to methodically remove all its vital functions - leaving it, frankly, without a reason to live anyway.

Eyes, ears, noses. Gone. And the final blow? Rip out their spine.

Once completed, I take the carcass to my human, drop it at his feet, and look at him proudly.

I am a killer. And I like what I do.

Variety Is The Spice Of Life.

They say dogs like routine.

Me, not so much. I like to mix it up a bit. When it comes to my nap time, for example, sometimes, I'll just get up, turn around, and try it out the other direction.

What the hell. That's just the way I roll.